Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Ascent

A couple years ago, I decided to go on a (spiritual) search for the truth. I had so many questions (I've always had questions but never asked them as an oath to my "faith"). How much of the bible is historical? Did Jesus really exist? If there's doubt in Jesus' existence, does that mean there should be doubt about the existence of God?

I was going through a lot in my life at the time so I looked to what I had always looked to; prayer and the bible. Only difference this time was that I was putting my emotions aside to actually critique the bible and self-test my faith. So I started with the history of the bible. (I'm sure it's no shock that I learned much more when I decided to do this than I did while I was a Christian. Why? because we were taught that faith was believing without proof or criticism.)

I focused on interpretation. I studied historially documented events, documentaries and written critiques of religion...etc etc. It was then that I found myself hating what I saw. Nevertheless, I stuck with my faith. I kept studying. Day and Night. I kept praying. day and night.............then there was nothing. I thought to myself "God is mad at me. He has turned from me because I'm questioning him; His creation, his authority, his laws. I'm questioning my purpose; Do purposes exist?".....still, nothing. Then I started questioning myself. "Where is your faith? This is just a test remember?".

By this time, I was definitely (although not publicly) considering myself Agnostic. Then, it happened; Betrayal, hurt...from the people who I thought loved me the most. God-fearing people. You know? Good, religious, Christian people. (I may blog about the actual events at a later date. I'm not ready for that yet).

I was mad at "god". I cursed at "him" but I realized, I didn't hate "him". I was just mad at the idea of religion. I was bitter. I had to almost lose it to find, not THE truth, but MY truth. I got over my bitterness, but I lost my "faith".  I renounced all authority and religion. I freed myself from fear.

Now I'm atheist (but spiritual) and my life could not be better. Circumstance and it's wonderful hostesses; life and the universe, have truly blessed me. Not "god". Literally, everything is working in my favor. I'm not in pain. I have everything I need and my wants are following right behind. I hate this word....but I feel great. I think higher. I can't even believe some of my blessings!!! I appreciate what I was but I love who I am.

David Strauss said: "It is only after faith has passed through both trials (referring to historical and dogmatic criticism) that it is thoroughly tested and constituted science"

Losing "faith" may be misinterpreted as defeat but in this, I realized..........There was no faith. It never existed. It was only fear. Now I'm stuck dealing with why fear kept me captive for so long...........

~Ancora Imparo~

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